Purpose Over Fear

I did it.

I took my poles and walked around the block for the first time since I've owned them. And if anyone judged me, or laughed at me, or did a double-take at the large woman walking on the road with metal poles, I don't know about it.

Throughout the day at work my mental conversation was a list of reasons why I didn't have to walk today; it was a good list...

     I walked on break.
     It's rainy.
     It's sunny.
     Someone might see me.
     I'm in a bad mood.
     Someone might see me.
     I don't want to.
     I want to pretend I don't need to.
     I'll be tired after shopping.
     My body hurts and I need to sit.
     I. Hate. It.

I came home, slammed stuff, sat and looked at my phone, complained, got angry at my husband for turning the heat up to 78 and sitting in his chair, looked at my phone some more.

Cate was telling me about a time she was afraid of doing something "different" at yoga, but that she got ballsy and did it, "just like you're doing now".

She texted me this from upstairs, and something clicked.

First, a very negative energy that sometimes lives in our side yard tried extremely hard to stop me from walking.  I know this because about eight feet from the door of my cottage where I keep my poles, something pushed me down and I fell.  

This is where I fell, landing on both knees and looking like a total freaking fool. Glasses went flying, pants got wet, sneakers got dirty.  Fucking bastard for trying to stop me.

I got pissed, wanted to cry, wanted to yell at someone or hit something, but I just snapped at my husband, washed off my hand, dried off my knees, and went anyway.

I kept my eyes down so "no one would see me".  Cat logic.

I kept going.  

Repeated "purpose over fear" to myself, because that's what it is.  

My purpose has to stay stronger than my fear of:  

judgment, 

embarrassment, 

criticism, 

failure...or I'll never find my way back. 

Three dogs in their yard took it upon themselves to announce my presence to the entire neighborhood.

I kept going.  Purpose Over Fear.

Around another corner a Labradoodle on a leash saw my "sticks" and wanted them for himself. His owner had to hold him back as he lunged on his leash. No escaping that one.  I made a joke and kept going.

Purpose Over Fear.  

Home was in sight...

...my shoe came untied.

I kept going.  Purpose Over Fear.

It took me 14 minutes to walk around my block, and I did it.  I kept going.  

Thank You God.