Did It!

I did it!  I actually completed a 5k Run/Walk (I walked, obviously), and best of all...I did NOT come in last!  Close, but not last!

Yesterday most of my family participated in the 5k Run/Walk to honor my daughter's college graduation.  It was waaaay better, and waaaay more fun, than sitting through an actual graduation, although we'd have done that if she'd chosen that. 

Look at us there, all rarin' to go!

Thankfully it was a chilly, rainy day so there was very little, if any, sweating involved.  I do NOT sweat if at all possible.  It is not my thing.  

I had two personal goals for yesterday:

1)  to finish

AND

   2) to NOT finish last.  

Accomplished both, thankyouverymuch!! 

(Andy, Colleen, Chelsea, Bobby and moi)

It was a joyous feeling crossing that line with so much of my family close by, especially seeing my husband's smiling face waiting for me!  

I have no idea what in God's name I was gazing off into the sunset for, but this man is my biggest fan, and I cherish that.  I don't always tell him that, but I do.  His love gives me the courage to go out into this world and do what I gotta do.  We all deserve to feel that.  

Anyway...

I had fun, I felt good, and yes, I'd do it again.  

I HAVE RACE STATS!

Here are my STATS.  

Pretty lame but they're MY STATS!  

↑  Our graduate!  ↑

(Cate, yourstruly, and Bob)

(Bob, Colleen and Andy aka HotDogMan)

(Josh, Chelsea, Bobby, Autumn, Cate, Adrienne, and Colleen)

(Autumn and Adrienne)

(Cate, Autumn, Adrienne, Colleen, Chelsea, Bobby, me)

(my baby, Colleen and me)

'Til next time...

Walk on.

     

I Did What?!

My daughter is graduating from college with a BA in Psychology on May 19 of this year.  Rather than walking at her commencement, she's chosen to run a 5K in support of Suicide Prevention.  She inspires me on so many levels without even realizing it.

That being said, she innocently said, "you should sign up to walk it, Mom."

I innocently said, "I think that would be fun."

So I innocently went online and registered for the 5K Run/Walk.

As I hit the "Submit Entry" button, it hit me what I had just done.

I had just committed, both physically and monetarily, to walk 3.1 miles!

3.1 miles.

In public, with other people, lots of other people, without stopping.

And wearing a number "bib".

Oh.  My.  God.

Should I use my poles??

I should use my poles.

I'll use my poles.

I better start walking every day between now and then, that's for damn sure.

Pray for me.

Is This a Test?

A week or so after I started this walking journey, I began to "feel" my right knee.

Nothing outrageous, but it was new.

Ever since then, that knee has been hurting, sometimes so bad that I'm unable to walk until it "snaps" back into place.  It has to be related, without a doubt.  But when I'm walking, it's ok.

Two days ago, on Good Friday, it was all I could do to walk at all.  My daughter, son-in-law and grandson were here and I could barely walk around the back yard with the little one.  My knee was going downhill fast.

So I didn't walk with my poles.

Yesterday when I awoke, I was in more pain than I've been in for years.  Not only was the knee hurting, the pain in my back was a 12 on a scale of 10.

What.  The.  Effing.  Hell.

Is this a test to see if I'll quit?

It took me four Motrin, ice, and barely standing up for five/six hours before the pain level came down to about a 9.

So I limped out to my cottage, strapped on my poles, and "walked" around the backyard, ever so slowly.

I walked slowly through the blueberries, looked at the Dawn Redwood tree, talked to the two maples we transplanted last fall, watched Grandmother Willow, then came back to the house.

And did it two more times, because it felt that good.

I took off my shoes and felt the cool grass under my feet.

It helped.

Today is a new day.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Clementine Wins Over Chips Ahoy!

Finally got to walk again today; yesterday was a day filled with rain, and lots of it!

I have to say that I could feel the determination beginning to wane somewhat today, maybe because it's another gray day, maybe because I haven't walked consistently.  Either way, I got out there before I could totally lose my "oomph".

There is progress, though.  While I wasn't jumping up and down to walk today, the positive mind chatter was much louder and more persistent than the negative mind chatter, and THAT is success.

I'm feeling blue today because it's the 14th anniversary of losing Dad.  I still miss him.  Too many emotions to accurately put into words, so I won't try.

I started to go for my standard "drug of choice", Chips Ahoy cookies, but instead, I peeled and ate a clementine. Hence, "Clementine Wins Over Chips Ahoy".

Every single small success adds up.

I sit in my cottage for a little bit after my walks, mostly to just have some quiet time.  

I'm starting to feel a little bit proud of myself for not quitting, 

but I also know that that's a precarious thought. 

So again, I thank You, God, for keeping me going. 

A Breakthrough

I had a personal breakthrough today.  It's an unfamiliar feeling, but a positive one.

I went to Kohl's and tried on a shit-ton of outfits, all of them plus sizes.  My regular size plus size pant went up a size, which disgusts me.  But I needed them, so I bought them...three pair of capris and two tops. 

On the drive home, I got so angry and tearful, then successfully talked myself OUT of walking today with my typical negative mind chatter:

Why bother.

It will never make a difference.

I went up a size so it doesn't matter.

It's a waste of my time.

I can't do it.

But something odd happened - a feeling came over me as I was turning onto Piper Road from Piper Cross, a feeling of inner warmth.  And I said "of course I'm going to walk".  

And I did. 

I did it.

I. Did. It.

Thank You, God.

It Felt Good Today

No negative mind chatter today, what a switch.  I was actually looking forward to pole walking around the block today.

My work walk was a quiet meander, no music other than the music of Spring.  The weather was perfect!  It was/is breezy, low 50s and sunny; it couldn't get any better.

Cate called me on her way home and asked about going with me, so it was even easier to get out there.  I was almost impatient to walk while waiting for her to get home.  :-)

She showed me how to use the walking app that Colleen put on my phone last night, and, according to it...

...I did a 19 minute-mile.  

I think I'll set a personal goal that in a week's time, I'll be doing a 15-minute mile. That's realistic, right?

Today in school, I saw this message on a student's "time capsule" box...

It's almost the exact opposite of my message to myself.  I knew I needed to document the irony of this message compared to my own.  

She needs to walk in order to overcome anger and fear, I need to overcome fear (and anger) in order to keep walking, 

And I think I am doing that.

If actually felt good today, a foreign and freeing feeling.

Thank You God.

Purpose Over Fear

I did it.

I took my poles and walked around the block for the first time since I've owned them. And if anyone judged me, or laughed at me, or did a double-take at the large woman walking on the road with metal poles, I don't know about it.

Throughout the day at work my mental conversation was a list of reasons why I didn't have to walk today; it was a good list...

     I walked on break.
     It's rainy.
     It's sunny.
     Someone might see me.
     I'm in a bad mood.
     Someone might see me.
     I don't want to.
     I want to pretend I don't need to.
     I'll be tired after shopping.
     My body hurts and I need to sit.
     I. Hate. It.

I came home, slammed stuff, sat and looked at my phone, complained, got angry at my husband for turning the heat up to 78 and sitting in his chair, looked at my phone some more.

Cate was telling me about a time she was afraid of doing something "different" at yoga, but that she got ballsy and did it, "just like you're doing now".

She texted me this from upstairs, and something clicked.

First, a very negative energy that sometimes lives in our side yard tried extremely hard to stop me from walking.  I know this because about eight feet from the door of my cottage where I keep my poles, something pushed me down and I fell.  

This is where I fell, landing on both knees and looking like a total freaking fool. Glasses went flying, pants got wet, sneakers got dirty.  Fucking bastard for trying to stop me.

I got pissed, wanted to cry, wanted to yell at someone or hit something, but I just snapped at my husband, washed off my hand, dried off my knees, and went anyway.

I kept my eyes down so "no one would see me".  Cat logic.

I kept going.  

Repeated "purpose over fear" to myself, because that's what it is.  

My purpose has to stay stronger than my fear of:  

judgment, 

embarrassment, 

criticism, 

failure...or I'll never find my way back. 

Three dogs in their yard took it upon themselves to announce my presence to the entire neighborhood.

I kept going.  Purpose Over Fear.

Around another corner a Labradoodle on a leash saw my "sticks" and wanted them for himself. His owner had to hold him back as he lunged on his leash. No escaping that one.  I made a joke and kept going.

Purpose Over Fear.  

Home was in sight...

...my shoe came untied.

I kept going.  Purpose Over Fear.

It took me 14 minutes to walk around my block, and I did it.  I kept going.  

Thank You God.

Day Two...I Did It!

I did it!

I walked with my poles again instead of making excuses, or finding a way out, or complaining.

This morning I even found myself thinking "I can't wait to walk again", which was an unusual thought for me.  I didn't believe myself, but then the feeling lasted all day, and I felt safe with it.

And that's a good thing.

Today I really felt it in my arms and in my breathing which is one of the benefits of using the Nordic Walking Poles.  It's a cardio workout by simply swinging my arms; not hard at all.

I only walked about 15 minutes.

No. Wait. I ACTUALLY walked fifteen minutes.

The cool breeze felt wonderful, the sun was warm, the birds were singing.  Sounds cliche, but it truly was peaceful.

Less snow today.

My son's idea of a lawn "ornament".  

Look at me...I walked through the snow!

Beautiful blue sky upwards through the dwarf pear tree branches.

Maple sapling, with a special heart!

Heading back toward the house.

It all comes down to this...I did it.  I didn't quit, at least not today, and it felt good.

Thank You, God.

It's Past Time to Begin

I'm a dreamer, an "imaginer" if you will.  I've spent most of my adulthood imagining all of the things I want to do and be, while simply going about the necessities of life.

I don't regret going about the necessities of life, though; I have a good marriage, four fantastic kids, two adorable grandkids, a job that I'm damn good at, friends, a home, a cottage for creating, and much much more.  It's a good life.

The part that I "live" inside of my head is that I'm physically healthy, strong and balanced. Inside my head, I'm slender (effortlessly, of course), and I get that way by eating well and walking.  That's the "imaginer" part, though.

I'm none of the above.  

While I do walk during my break at work, it's more of a meander, a stroll, quiet time spent alone, most definitely NOT a power walk.  

Today that changes.  Today begins my journey back to myself.  

I'm scared because I'm a quitter.  

I'm scared of failure.

I'm scared that I'll never change.

I'm scared that it will be too late.

I'm scared of sharing photos of myself.

I'm scared I'll be judged.

I'm scared I'll quit.

But today that changes...today begins my journey back to myself.

My new Nordic Walking Poles.  I'm counting on them to save my life.  

 Day One - Vernal Equinox, rubber boots, backyard, sunshine, snow.

Day One - me, 45 pounds overweight, work clothes, scared of failing, but starting just the same.