Is This a Test?

A week or so after I started this walking journey, I began to "feel" my right knee.

Nothing outrageous, but it was new.

Ever since then, that knee has been hurting, sometimes so bad that I'm unable to walk until it "snaps" back into place.  It has to be related, without a doubt.  But when I'm walking, it's ok.

Two days ago, on Good Friday, it was all I could do to walk at all.  My daughter, son-in-law and grandson were here and I could barely walk around the back yard with the little one.  My knee was going downhill fast.

So I didn't walk with my poles.

Yesterday when I awoke, I was in more pain than I've been in for years.  Not only was the knee hurting, the pain in my back was a 12 on a scale of 10.

What.  The.  Effing.  Hell.

Is this a test to see if I'll quit?

It took me four Motrin, ice, and barely standing up for five/six hours before the pain level came down to about a 9.

So I limped out to my cottage, strapped on my poles, and "walked" around the backyard, ever so slowly.

I walked slowly through the blueberries, looked at the Dawn Redwood tree, talked to the two maples we transplanted last fall, watched Grandmother Willow, then came back to the house.

And did it two more times, because it felt that good.

I took off my shoes and felt the cool grass under my feet.

It helped.

Today is a new day.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Clementine Wins Over Chips Ahoy!

Finally got to walk again today; yesterday was a day filled with rain, and lots of it!

I have to say that I could feel the determination beginning to wane somewhat today, maybe because it's another gray day, maybe because I haven't walked consistently.  Either way, I got out there before I could totally lose my "oomph".

There is progress, though.  While I wasn't jumping up and down to walk today, the positive mind chatter was much louder and more persistent than the negative mind chatter, and THAT is success.

I'm feeling blue today because it's the 14th anniversary of losing Dad.  I still miss him.  Too many emotions to accurately put into words, so I won't try.

I started to go for my standard "drug of choice", Chips Ahoy cookies, but instead, I peeled and ate a clementine. Hence, "Clementine Wins Over Chips Ahoy".

Every single small success adds up.

I sit in my cottage for a little bit after my walks, mostly to just have some quiet time.  

I'm starting to feel a little bit proud of myself for not quitting, 

but I also know that that's a precarious thought. 

So again, I thank You, God, for keeping me going. 

A Breakthrough

I had a personal breakthrough today.  It's an unfamiliar feeling, but a positive one.

I went to Kohl's and tried on a shit-ton of outfits, all of them plus sizes.  My regular size plus size pant went up a size, which disgusts me.  But I needed them, so I bought them...three pair of capris and two tops. 

On the drive home, I got so angry and tearful, then successfully talked myself OUT of walking today with my typical negative mind chatter:

Why bother.

It will never make a difference.

I went up a size so it doesn't matter.

It's a waste of my time.

I can't do it.

But something odd happened - a feeling came over me as I was turning onto Piper Road from Piper Cross, a feeling of inner warmth.  And I said "of course I'm going to walk".  

And I did. 

I did it.

I. Did. It.

Thank You, God.

Sunday Morning Walking

I'm almost afraid to say it, but it's getting easier to walk without the negative mind chatter getting in the way...I almost can't believe it.

I had the luxury of being up alone this morning for quite awhile; I read, downloaded another book onto my Kindle app for MCAS later this week, had coffee, did my face and hair, and had breakfast.

I knew there was a lot I wanted/needed to do today, and walking was on my list.  I decided that before I could go out into my cottage to play, I'd have to do my "work", which is how I stay focused sometimes.

So...off I went.  Today I walked steadily, no speeding up, as my right knee is complaining and I want to keep it safe.  I've never had knee issues and don't want them now.

I took a little shorter route to be on the safe side.  

I loved listening to the sounds of spring while I was walking.  I also loved hearing my own footsteps...steady, moving forward. 

This is yours truly...

...trying to be invisible.  

Please note the bright pink jacket and neon green 

sunglasses...not so invisible.  

It Felt Good Today

No negative mind chatter today, what a switch.  I was actually looking forward to pole walking around the block today.

My work walk was a quiet meander, no music other than the music of Spring.  The weather was perfect!  It was/is breezy, low 50s and sunny; it couldn't get any better.

Cate called me on her way home and asked about going with me, so it was even easier to get out there.  I was almost impatient to walk while waiting for her to get home.  :-)

She showed me how to use the walking app that Colleen put on my phone last night, and, according to it...

...I did a 19 minute-mile.  

I think I'll set a personal goal that in a week's time, I'll be doing a 15-minute mile. That's realistic, right?

Today in school, I saw this message on a student's "time capsule" box...

It's almost the exact opposite of my message to myself.  I knew I needed to document the irony of this message compared to my own.  

She needs to walk in order to overcome anger and fear, I need to overcome fear (and anger) in order to keep walking, 

And I think I am doing that.

If actually felt good today, a foreign and freeing feeling.

Thank You God.

Walking With Colleen

Not as much negative mind chatter today re the walking after work.  Maybe because I did it yesterday, maybe because the air is still cool and rainy.

I semi-power walked during my break, enough to get me breathing heavily.  No sweating, though; a bonus as I despise sweating.

I planned to walk around the block again today after work, maybe even with my eyes looking up for longer periods of time.

Colleen texted me during the day to see if I wanted to go for a walk with her...I only hesitated for a split second (automatic reaction, no matter what or who), then we figured out the logistics.

I didn't allow myself to get too comfortable once I got home-left my work clothes on, jewelry and all.  Made an early supper (beef stew), ate at the dining room table so as not to get comfy in my recliner.  

I would have used my poles except it's raining and I needed the umbrella.  Let's be real...I haven't graduated to walking in the rain without an umbrella yet.  #donttouchthehair

Look at us, walkin' in the rain!  Colleen wore Bob's Tilly Hat and she's still adorable.

We power-walked about a mile, a mile and a half; we chatted, chuckled, snap-chatted.  We got our heart rates and our breathing going good.  

Took about 30 minutes to walk that far, but that's damn ok.  

Colleen and Cate offhandedly mentioned a 5k around Ashley Reservoir. 

A 5k?  Huh. I wonder....

Purpose Over Fear

I did it.

I took my poles and walked around the block for the first time since I've owned them. And if anyone judged me, or laughed at me, or did a double-take at the large woman walking on the road with metal poles, I don't know about it.

Throughout the day at work my mental conversation was a list of reasons why I didn't have to walk today; it was a good list...

     I walked on break.
     It's rainy.
     It's sunny.
     Someone might see me.
     I'm in a bad mood.
     Someone might see me.
     I don't want to.
     I want to pretend I don't need to.
     I'll be tired after shopping.
     My body hurts and I need to sit.
     I. Hate. It.

I came home, slammed stuff, sat and looked at my phone, complained, got angry at my husband for turning the heat up to 78 and sitting in his chair, looked at my phone some more.

Cate was telling me about a time she was afraid of doing something "different" at yoga, but that she got ballsy and did it, "just like you're doing now".

She texted me this from upstairs, and something clicked.

First, a very negative energy that sometimes lives in our side yard tried extremely hard to stop me from walking.  I know this because about eight feet from the door of my cottage where I keep my poles, something pushed me down and I fell.  

This is where I fell, landing on both knees and looking like a total freaking fool. Glasses went flying, pants got wet, sneakers got dirty.  Fucking bastard for trying to stop me.

I got pissed, wanted to cry, wanted to yell at someone or hit something, but I just snapped at my husband, washed off my hand, dried off my knees, and went anyway.

I kept my eyes down so "no one would see me".  Cat logic.

I kept going.  

Repeated "purpose over fear" to myself, because that's what it is.  

My purpose has to stay stronger than my fear of:  

judgment, 

embarrassment, 

criticism, 

failure...or I'll never find my way back. 

Three dogs in their yard took it upon themselves to announce my presence to the entire neighborhood.

I kept going.  Purpose Over Fear.

Around another corner a Labradoodle on a leash saw my "sticks" and wanted them for himself. His owner had to hold him back as he lunged on his leash. No escaping that one.  I made a joke and kept going.

Purpose Over Fear.  

Home was in sight...

...my shoe came untied.

I kept going.  Purpose Over Fear.

It took me 14 minutes to walk around my block, and I did it.  I kept going.  

Thank You God.

Day 4 - Fifteen Minutes

Last night and all of today, I was coming up with reasons NOT to walk this afternoon.  

I'm good at that, very very good. 

It was cold again.

I was tired.

My feet hurt.

My back hurt.

We would be going to Walmart.

I was very tired.

It wouldn't matter.

I walked during my break.

I walked a tiny bit farther on my break.

I would look funny.

Someone would judge me.

We went to Walmart and I was sad while there, not sure why.  I was sad and annoyed.

On the drive home, I decided that I'd be walking when we got home so that maybe the sadness and annoyance would go away.

I put on my silly rubber boots, tucked in my dress pants, went to my cottage and got my poles, and spent 15 minutes walking throughout the yard.

Even less snow today.  I was able to walk in some areas for the first time.  The cold air felt clean and good.  I did some heart-center breathing to fill myself up with clean, cold air.

But all I could think about was stopping.

The mental mind chatter wanted me to hurry up and stop, 

so I decided that 15 minutes was the minimum today.

I had to fight the mental mind chatter almost every step of the way.

 I won.  Today I won.

I reasoned with that mental mind chatter by saying "Ok, I'll only walk until my body tells me to stop.  I'll pay close attention to my hip, my knees, my arms."  I think that's fair and I think that's smart.

We brought this tree home as a sapling only a few years ago and it has grown beautifully.

Yours truly, heading in.  

Thank You God.

Day 3...Ok But Not

Didn't walk today with the poles.  The wind chill is quite freezing, so much so that the wind hurts my face.

But I did power-walk during my break, rather than meander.  I got to the point that I shaved 4 minutes off of my  usual walking time, and had anyone been walking with me, I would have been hard-pressed to have a conversation with them because I was breathing heavily.

And that's ok.

It was a mental struggle all day, too, so I'm not 100% sure that it was the wind and cold that stopped me, but I think it is.  My negative mental chatter told me not to bother.

Most of the time, my negative mental chatter stops me in my tracks, literally and figuratively.

I still pray daily for moving forward on my walking journey.

Day Two...I Did It!

I did it!

I walked with my poles again instead of making excuses, or finding a way out, or complaining.

This morning I even found myself thinking "I can't wait to walk again", which was an unusual thought for me.  I didn't believe myself, but then the feeling lasted all day, and I felt safe with it.

And that's a good thing.

Today I really felt it in my arms and in my breathing which is one of the benefits of using the Nordic Walking Poles.  It's a cardio workout by simply swinging my arms; not hard at all.

I only walked about 15 minutes.

No. Wait. I ACTUALLY walked fifteen minutes.

The cool breeze felt wonderful, the sun was warm, the birds were singing.  Sounds cliche, but it truly was peaceful.

Less snow today.

My son's idea of a lawn "ornament".  

Look at me...I walked through the snow!

Beautiful blue sky upwards through the dwarf pear tree branches.

Maple sapling, with a special heart!

Heading back toward the house.

It all comes down to this...I did it.  I didn't quit, at least not today, and it felt good.

Thank You, God.

It's Past Time to Begin

I'm a dreamer, an "imaginer" if you will.  I've spent most of my adulthood imagining all of the things I want to do and be, while simply going about the necessities of life.

I don't regret going about the necessities of life, though; I have a good marriage, four fantastic kids, two adorable grandkids, a job that I'm damn good at, friends, a home, a cottage for creating, and much much more.  It's a good life.

The part that I "live" inside of my head is that I'm physically healthy, strong and balanced. Inside my head, I'm slender (effortlessly, of course), and I get that way by eating well and walking.  That's the "imaginer" part, though.

I'm none of the above.  

While I do walk during my break at work, it's more of a meander, a stroll, quiet time spent alone, most definitely NOT a power walk.  

Today that changes.  Today begins my journey back to myself.  

I'm scared because I'm a quitter.  

I'm scared of failure.

I'm scared that I'll never change.

I'm scared that it will be too late.

I'm scared of sharing photos of myself.

I'm scared I'll be judged.

I'm scared I'll quit.

But today that changes...today begins my journey back to myself.

My new Nordic Walking Poles.  I'm counting on them to save my life.  

 Day One - Vernal Equinox, rubber boots, backyard, sunshine, snow.

Day One - me, 45 pounds overweight, work clothes, scared of failing, but starting just the same.