Purpose Over Fear

I'm going for a walk in a few minutes, even though my mental chatter has been saying "no".

So I asked myself why, why "no" when it feels good. Why?

And it came back...the fear.
The fear that someone might see me.
The fear that someone might make fun of me.
The fear that it's not going to make me slimmer.
The fear that it's a waste of time.
The fear that it doesn't matter.

But I'm going anyway.

I need self-respect.

Purpose over fear.

Sometimes It's Time To Stay Put

I've learned over the years that sometimes, when you make concrete plans, God has other plans. That's what happened this school vacation week.

My back was a bit iffy this past Friday, and by Saturday morning, the pain from my back and knee was terrible, 12 on a scale of 1 - 10.

I walked very slowly and quietly around the back yard over the weekend, and took Bobby for a walk in his stroller yesterday.  Not a power walk, but a slow one; I was unsteady, too.

Today it's cold and rainy which is my favorite weather, but not for walking, not this week.

I've done nothing that I'd planned, nothing.   Today is the first day that I even thought about going out into my cottage to craft at all.

It's going to be a bitch to get out of this mental ditch I'm in.  Because I'm back in it, deep.

Is This a Test?

A week or so after I started this walking journey, I began to "feel" my right knee.

Nothing outrageous, but it was new.

Ever since then, that knee has been hurting, sometimes so bad that I'm unable to walk until it "snaps" back into place.  It has to be related, without a doubt.  But when I'm walking, it's ok.

Two days ago, on Good Friday, it was all I could do to walk at all.  My daughter, son-in-law and grandson were here and I could barely walk around the back yard with the little one.  My knee was going downhill fast.

So I didn't walk with my poles.

Yesterday when I awoke, I was in more pain than I've been in for years.  Not only was the knee hurting, the pain in my back was a 12 on a scale of 10.

What.  The.  Effing.  Hell.

Is this a test to see if I'll quit?

It took me four Motrin, ice, and barely standing up for five/six hours before the pain level came down to about a 9.

So I limped out to my cottage, strapped on my poles, and "walked" around the backyard, ever so slowly.

I walked slowly through the blueberries, looked at the Dawn Redwood tree, talked to the two maples we transplanted last fall, watched Grandmother Willow, then came back to the house.

And did it two more times, because it felt that good.

I took off my shoes and felt the cool grass under my feet.

It helped.

Today is a new day.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Not Today

Not doin' it this afternoon, not at 86 degrees out there.  Nope.

The funny thing is that part of me is pissed about that and still wants to walk.

I did walk this morning on my break, though.  So there's that.  

Monday Walking

Did it.  And it felt almost "right".  Granted, my legs hurt some, but I think that's because I didn't walk all weekend.  Not even once.

But I did do yard-work for four hours yesterday, so I'm confident that was a positive exercise.

Here's today's walking...

⏫

...did the .81 miles on my break this morning.

⏫

Then, after a couple of false starts and some minor mental pushing, I started my afternoon walk, only to stop and chat with a friend around the corner partway through.  Since I didn't bother putting my reading glasses on before I pushed any buttons on my phone, I'd pushed "stop" and "save" on my app.

⏫

So THEN I finally got moving and finished my afternoon walk, 

for a grand total today of 2.05 miles!!

And then, I was sweaty.

And I don't like sweaty.  Not.  At.  All.

But I did it.  💙😊

Today - Not So Good

Didn't do so well today as far as pushing myself.  I'm feeling sad this week, feeling kind of lost.

But it finally occurred to me to track the walks I take during my break...don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.

Anyway...here are my Thursday and Friday walks.

It was POURING on Thursday and even though I do love walking in the rain, my pants and shoes were getting drenched, so I only did a partial walk. 

 It's ok though, I wasn't slacking, I know that.

Friday's walk took 12 minutes and was thisclose to being a full mile.  I'd go around the school again, but only have a 15-minute break.  Not going to work.  

But it still matters, yes indeed it does.

Still, nothing today.  Not even an ounce of desire or energy to walk.  

I think my soul needed to stay home today.

Amen.

Clementine Wins Over Chips Ahoy!

Finally got to walk again today; yesterday was a day filled with rain, and lots of it!

I have to say that I could feel the determination beginning to wane somewhat today, maybe because it's another gray day, maybe because I haven't walked consistently.  Either way, I got out there before I could totally lose my "oomph".

There is progress, though.  While I wasn't jumping up and down to walk today, the positive mind chatter was much louder and more persistent than the negative mind chatter, and THAT is success.

I'm feeling blue today because it's the 14th anniversary of losing Dad.  I still miss him.  Too many emotions to accurately put into words, so I won't try.

I started to go for my standard "drug of choice", Chips Ahoy cookies, but instead, I peeled and ate a clementine. Hence, "Clementine Wins Over Chips Ahoy".

Every single small success adds up.

I sit in my cottage for a little bit after my walks, mostly to just have some quiet time.  

I'm starting to feel a little bit proud of myself for not quitting, 

but I also know that that's a precarious thought. 

So again, I thank You, God, for keeping me going. 

A Breakthrough

I had a personal breakthrough today.  It's an unfamiliar feeling, but a positive one.

I went to Kohl's and tried on a shit-ton of outfits, all of them plus sizes.  My regular size plus size pant went up a size, which disgusts me.  But I needed them, so I bought them...three pair of capris and two tops. 

On the drive home, I got so angry and tearful, then successfully talked myself OUT of walking today with my typical negative mind chatter:

Why bother.

It will never make a difference.

I went up a size so it doesn't matter.

It's a waste of my time.

I can't do it.

But something odd happened - a feeling came over me as I was turning onto Piper Road from Piper Cross, a feeling of inner warmth.  And I said "of course I'm going to walk".  

And I did. 

I did it.

I. Did. It.

Thank You, God.

Sunday Morning Walking

I'm almost afraid to say it, but it's getting easier to walk without the negative mind chatter getting in the way...I almost can't believe it.

I had the luxury of being up alone this morning for quite awhile; I read, downloaded another book onto my Kindle app for MCAS later this week, had coffee, did my face and hair, and had breakfast.

I knew there was a lot I wanted/needed to do today, and walking was on my list.  I decided that before I could go out into my cottage to play, I'd have to do my "work", which is how I stay focused sometimes.

So...off I went.  Today I walked steadily, no speeding up, as my right knee is complaining and I want to keep it safe.  I've never had knee issues and don't want them now.

I took a little shorter route to be on the safe side.  

I loved listening to the sounds of spring while I was walking.  I also loved hearing my own footsteps...steady, moving forward. 

This is yours truly...

...trying to be invisible.  

Please note the bright pink jacket and neon green 

sunglasses...not so invisible.  

It's Been Two Days

I haven't been able to walk since this past Thursday, two days ago, for two reasons, both of them legitimate.

    1)  My right knee is acting really weird; I've never had this happen before.  It's had sudden, sharp pains, then felt like it wasn't going to work.  I tried walking on it once right after the pain started and it wouldn't hold me up.  After a few tries, it kind of snapped back and worked ok. But it's been slightly painful since...brand new to me.

    2)  It's been snowing/sleeting/raining since Thursday night and I won't risk a fall because of my three back surgeries, and because of this knee issue.

While I'm not actually "missing" the walking, there's NO negative mind chatter telling me not to start up again.  No negative mind chatter saying "it doesn't matter anyway, you don't need to start up again".

I think it's because of the poles.

I think the poles are keeping me honest, focused and positive.

Because I intend to walk tomorrow.

Til then...this was me on Thursday evening, getting ready to walk 1.4 miles with Colleen.

Did it!