Did It!

I did it!  I actually completed a 5k Run/Walk (I walked, obviously), and best of all...I did NOT come in last!  Close, but not last!

Yesterday most of my family participated in the 5k Run/Walk to honor my daughter's college graduation.  It was waaaay better, and waaaay more fun, than sitting through an actual graduation, although we'd have done that if she'd chosen that. 

Look at us there, all rarin' to go!

Thankfully it was a chilly, rainy day so there was very little, if any, sweating involved.  I do NOT sweat if at all possible.  It is not my thing.  

I had two personal goals for yesterday:

1)  to finish

AND

   2) to NOT finish last.  

Accomplished both, thankyouverymuch!! 

(Andy, Colleen, Chelsea, Bobby and moi)

It was a joyous feeling crossing that line with so much of my family close by, especially seeing my husband's smiling face waiting for me!  

I have no idea what in God's name I was gazing off into the sunset for, but this man is my biggest fan, and I cherish that.  I don't always tell him that, but I do.  His love gives me the courage to go out into this world and do what I gotta do.  We all deserve to feel that.  

Anyway...

I had fun, I felt good, and yes, I'd do it again.  

I HAVE RACE STATS!

Here are my STATS.  

Pretty lame but they're MY STATS!  

↑  Our graduate!  ↑

(Cate, yourstruly, and Bob)

(Bob, Colleen and Andy aka HotDogMan)

(Josh, Chelsea, Bobby, Autumn, Cate, Adrienne, and Colleen)

(Autumn and Adrienne)

(Cate, Autumn, Adrienne, Colleen, Chelsea, Bobby, me)

(my baby, Colleen and me)

'Til next time...

Walk on.

     

I Did What?!

My daughter is graduating from college with a BA in Psychology on May 19 of this year.  Rather than walking at her commencement, she's chosen to run a 5K in support of Suicide Prevention.  She inspires me on so many levels without even realizing it.

That being said, she innocently said, "you should sign up to walk it, Mom."

I innocently said, "I think that would be fun."

So I innocently went online and registered for the 5K Run/Walk.

As I hit the "Submit Entry" button, it hit me what I had just done.

I had just committed, both physically and monetarily, to walk 3.1 miles!

3.1 miles.

In public, with other people, lots of other people, without stopping.

And wearing a number "bib".

Oh.  My.  God.

Should I use my poles??

I should use my poles.

I'll use my poles.

I better start walking every day between now and then, that's for damn sure.

Pray for me.

Walking to Ease Pain

Last year at this time, my Spring vacation from school, my back went out.  Two days ago, again on my Spring vacation, my back went out.  It's been hurting so badly that I haven't been able to even stand straight...echoes of the past.

After three Motrin last night, this morning, and again this afternoon, with no relief, I knew I had to do something else.  And then I remembered.

I remembered that walking, no matter how slowly, causes the blood to flow through the pain and warm whatever hurts.  I needed to ease the pain.  And then I remembered something else.

My walking poles.  My saviors.  My sleek, blue, strong, quiet, loyal saviors.

I started so very very slowly; had anyone been watching, it might have looked odd to see this middle-aged woman walking around her back yard, dressed in her yard clothes and rubber boots, holding on to her beautiful blue walking poles-almost for dear life.  

But I walked.  

I visited the blueberries, the small patch of garlic we're growing, the blackberries.  

And I walked.

When I got back to the house, I turned around and walked some more.  

After the first 20 minutes, I could feel the warmth spreading throughout my back.  The longer I walked, the warmer and better it felt.  

So much better that I stayed outside for hours.  

Ever so slowly, I raked a bit, cut back some berry bushes, then raked some more.  We planted eight pussy willow bushes, hoping that they'll grow to their full height of 25 feet and create a privacy hedge.

     The sunshine warmed me, the wind cleansed me, 

working in the dirt filled my soul.  

All because I walked with my poles, ever-so-slowly.

Ever.  So.  Slowly.

With my poles.  

My saviors.  

My sleek, blue, strong, quiet, loyal saviors.

I Knew It

I knew it, I knew I'd quit and I was right.  I have not walked steadily, either at work or at home, since school started last August.  Eight months wasted.  Eight fucking months.

I'm pretty sure I'm up in weight, and when I look in the mirror, I am disgusted. 

Even the look of my hands disgusts me...I can't get my wedding rings off. 

Why. Why can't won't I do it.

Because I can, but I won't.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Summer Failure

I failed at something, again.

I knew I would, which is why I didn't think I should start.

Because I am:

     a quitter
     lazy
     a complainer
   
I don't like where I am in life right now, mentally.

I am:

     uninspired
     predictable
     overweight
     getting old
     sore
     lazy
     unhappy with me

School starts in 15 days, and I AM planning on walking daily when I get there. Let's see if I fail at that, too.

Or Not

I should change the title of this to "NOT Walking My Way Back"...cuz I haven't walked in almost two weeks.

But last night I had an mental talk with myself, and I feel a little better now.

I told myself that during the school year, 180 days in all, I walked almost every single day, rain, shine, cold, as long as I was safe (avoiding ice, etc.).

And that's quite an accomplishment.

Plus, when I went to my annual obgyn appointment and had to get. on. the. scale...it showed that I'm down about 4 pounds from where I thought I was.  So...that's another positive accomplishment.

Now that the humidity and heat have arrived, I spend a lot of time indoors where it's cool; my body and mind do NOT play well with others when those "others" are heat or humidity.  Never ever have.

Without a doubt, I will begin walking again five days a week when school starts, so I'm going to go easy on myself.

Amen.

I Did It!

Today is Day One of summer vacation...thank God.

I got up around 7:30 and sat on the back porch with my coffee and my book.  It was breezy and cool, so I decided that I'd walk today.

So I did.

And it was an easy decision...I didn't even try to talk myself out of it!

I walked 2.1 miles in about 39 minutes; longer than I usually take, but I wasn't power-walking, I was just walking a little faster than usual.  

I need to be kind to myself.

On the way home, my the mind-chatter told me to go straight home, not to take a left and make it a two-mile walk.

But my body went ahead and Took. The. Left!!  I couldn't even believe it!!  

Here I am, sweating on the back porch...but damn happy that I DID IT! 

Thank You, God.

Really Not Good

I haven't walked in, well, in I don't know how long.  There are a number of reasons, aka excuses why, like humidity, rain, heat.

None of them matter, except for the humidity part; I won't walk in THAT shit.

Is it because I don't care?  I don't freaking know.

But it worries me because I know me.

Still Not So Great

Something's still amiss.

I'm only walking during my work break, but at least I'm walking.  We're due for 85 to 90-plus degree weather later this week, so there's no way on God's green earth I'll be walking during that shit.

Today I turned the music OFF during my walk because I was losing the connection to the earth. I wasn't hearing the birds or the wind, I wasn't smelling the earth scents, but I am again.

When I walked outside of work this past Friday, these clouds took my breath, quite literally. They are stunning...#whyIwalk.

I'll keep going.

Not Good

Not having a stellar week, at least not for home-walking.  Still walking during my break at work, just not at home.

Also, I've been nibbling more on the Chips Ahoy cookies.

Something's amiss.

I'm Proud of Me

I am damn  proud of myself.  Walking almost every day has become so much easier.

It feels good.
It feels right.
I think about it when I'm not walking.
At the few times my mental chatter says no,
     it's like my body takes over and I walk anyway.

The only time I don't walk is when either my knee or my back are too painful.  And then, I'll maybe walk around the backyard, very slowly and steadily, but it feels good.

Sometimes I walk slowly just to walk, and that's okay.

Since I last wrote on April 20, I've walked a total of 12.77 miles!!  TWELVE POINT SEVEN SEVEN MILES!!

I've found a new route from home which is 1.86 miles and I like it.

I also love the wind blowing on me, the birds singing, the new Spring growth, the beautiful smells from the newly budding flowering trees.

Most of the time I don't hurt. 

Thank You God.

Purpose Over Fear

I'm going for a walk in a few minutes, even though my mental chatter has been saying "no".

So I asked myself why, why "no" when it feels good. Why?

And it came back...the fear.
The fear that someone might see me.
The fear that someone might make fun of me.
The fear that it's not going to make me slimmer.
The fear that it's a waste of time.
The fear that it doesn't matter.

But I'm going anyway.

I need self-respect.

Purpose over fear.

Sometimes It's Time To Stay Put

I've learned over the years that sometimes, when you make concrete plans, God has other plans. That's what happened this school vacation week.

My back was a bit iffy this past Friday, and by Saturday morning, the pain from my back and knee was terrible, 12 on a scale of 1 - 10.

I walked very slowly and quietly around the back yard over the weekend, and took Bobby for a walk in his stroller yesterday.  Not a power walk, but a slow one; I was unsteady, too.

Today it's cold and rainy which is my favorite weather, but not for walking, not this week.

I've done nothing that I'd planned, nothing.   Today is the first day that I even thought about going out into my cottage to craft at all.

It's going to be a bitch to get out of this mental ditch I'm in.  Because I'm back in it, deep.

Is This a Test?

A week or so after I started this walking journey, I began to "feel" my right knee.

Nothing outrageous, but it was new.

Ever since then, that knee has been hurting, sometimes so bad that I'm unable to walk until it "snaps" back into place.  It has to be related, without a doubt.  But when I'm walking, it's ok.

Two days ago, on Good Friday, it was all I could do to walk at all.  My daughter, son-in-law and grandson were here and I could barely walk around the back yard with the little one.  My knee was going downhill fast.

So I didn't walk with my poles.

Yesterday when I awoke, I was in more pain than I've been in for years.  Not only was the knee hurting, the pain in my back was a 12 on a scale of 10.

What.  The.  Effing.  Hell.

Is this a test to see if I'll quit?

It took me four Motrin, ice, and barely standing up for five/six hours before the pain level came down to about a 9.

So I limped out to my cottage, strapped on my poles, and "walked" around the backyard, ever so slowly.

I walked slowly through the blueberries, looked at the Dawn Redwood tree, talked to the two maples we transplanted last fall, watched Grandmother Willow, then came back to the house.

And did it two more times, because it felt that good.

I took off my shoes and felt the cool grass under my feet.

It helped.

Today is a new day.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Not Today

Not doin' it this afternoon, not at 86 degrees out there.  Nope.

The funny thing is that part of me is pissed about that and still wants to walk.

I did walk this morning on my break, though.  So there's that.  

Monday Walking

Did it.  And it felt almost "right".  Granted, my legs hurt some, but I think that's because I didn't walk all weekend.  Not even once.

But I did do yard-work for four hours yesterday, so I'm confident that was a positive exercise.

Here's today's walking...

⏫

...did the .81 miles on my break this morning.

⏫

Then, after a couple of false starts and some minor mental pushing, I started my afternoon walk, only to stop and chat with a friend around the corner partway through.  Since I didn't bother putting my reading glasses on before I pushed any buttons on my phone, I'd pushed "stop" and "save" on my app.

⏫

So THEN I finally got moving and finished my afternoon walk, 

for a grand total today of 2.05 miles!!

And then, I was sweaty.

And I don't like sweaty.  Not.  At.  All.

But I did it.  💙😊

Today - Not So Good

Didn't do so well today as far as pushing myself.  I'm feeling sad this week, feeling kind of lost.

But it finally occurred to me to track the walks I take during my break...don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.

Anyway...here are my Thursday and Friday walks.

It was POURING on Thursday and even though I do love walking in the rain, my pants and shoes were getting drenched, so I only did a partial walk. 

 It's ok though, I wasn't slacking, I know that.

Friday's walk took 12 minutes and was thisclose to being a full mile.  I'd go around the school again, but only have a 15-minute break.  Not going to work.  

But it still matters, yes indeed it does.

Still, nothing today.  Not even an ounce of desire or energy to walk.  

I think my soul needed to stay home today.

Amen.

Clementine Wins Over Chips Ahoy!

Finally got to walk again today; yesterday was a day filled with rain, and lots of it!

I have to say that I could feel the determination beginning to wane somewhat today, maybe because it's another gray day, maybe because I haven't walked consistently.  Either way, I got out there before I could totally lose my "oomph".

There is progress, though.  While I wasn't jumping up and down to walk today, the positive mind chatter was much louder and more persistent than the negative mind chatter, and THAT is success.

I'm feeling blue today because it's the 14th anniversary of losing Dad.  I still miss him.  Too many emotions to accurately put into words, so I won't try.

I started to go for my standard "drug of choice", Chips Ahoy cookies, but instead, I peeled and ate a clementine. Hence, "Clementine Wins Over Chips Ahoy".

Every single small success adds up.

I sit in my cottage for a little bit after my walks, mostly to just have some quiet time.  

I'm starting to feel a little bit proud of myself for not quitting, 

but I also know that that's a precarious thought. 

So again, I thank You, God, for keeping me going. 

A Breakthrough

I had a personal breakthrough today.  It's an unfamiliar feeling, but a positive one.

I went to Kohl's and tried on a shit-ton of outfits, all of them plus sizes.  My regular size plus size pant went up a size, which disgusts me.  But I needed them, so I bought them...three pair of capris and two tops. 

On the drive home, I got so angry and tearful, then successfully talked myself OUT of walking today with my typical negative mind chatter:

Why bother.

It will never make a difference.

I went up a size so it doesn't matter.

It's a waste of my time.

I can't do it.

But something odd happened - a feeling came over me as I was turning onto Piper Road from Piper Cross, a feeling of inner warmth.  And I said "of course I'm going to walk".  

And I did. 

I did it.

I. Did. It.

Thank You, God.

Sunday Morning Walking

I'm almost afraid to say it, but it's getting easier to walk without the negative mind chatter getting in the way...I almost can't believe it.

I had the luxury of being up alone this morning for quite awhile; I read, downloaded another book onto my Kindle app for MCAS later this week, had coffee, did my face and hair, and had breakfast.

I knew there was a lot I wanted/needed to do today, and walking was on my list.  I decided that before I could go out into my cottage to play, I'd have to do my "work", which is how I stay focused sometimes.

So...off I went.  Today I walked steadily, no speeding up, as my right knee is complaining and I want to keep it safe.  I've never had knee issues and don't want them now.

I took a little shorter route to be on the safe side.  

I loved listening to the sounds of spring while I was walking.  I also loved hearing my own footsteps...steady, moving forward. 

This is yours truly...

...trying to be invisible.  

Please note the bright pink jacket and neon green 

sunglasses...not so invisible.