Summer Failure

I failed at something, again.

I knew I would, which is why I didn't think I should start.

Because I am:

     a quitter
     lazy
     a complainer
   
I don't like where I am in life right now, mentally.

I am:

     uninspired
     predictable
     overweight
     getting old
     sore
     lazy
     unhappy with me

School starts in 15 days, and I AM planning on walking daily when I get there. Let's see if I fail at that, too.

Or Not

I should change the title of this to "NOT Walking My Way Back"...cuz I haven't walked in almost two weeks.

But last night I had an mental talk with myself, and I feel a little better now.

I told myself that during the school year, 180 days in all, I walked almost every single day, rain, shine, cold, as long as I was safe (avoiding ice, etc.).

And that's quite an accomplishment.

Plus, when I went to my annual obgyn appointment and had to get. on. the. scale...it showed that I'm down about 4 pounds from where I thought I was.  So...that's another positive accomplishment.

Now that the humidity and heat have arrived, I spend a lot of time indoors where it's cool; my body and mind do NOT play well with others when those "others" are heat or humidity.  Never ever have.

Without a doubt, I will begin walking again five days a week when school starts, so I'm going to go easy on myself.

Amen.

I Did It!

Today is Day One of summer vacation...thank God.

I got up around 7:30 and sat on the back porch with my coffee and my book.  It was breezy and cool, so I decided that I'd walk today.

So I did.

And it was an easy decision...I didn't even try to talk myself out of it!

I walked 2.1 miles in about 39 minutes; longer than I usually take, but I wasn't power-walking, I was just walking a little faster than usual.  

I need to be kind to myself.

On the way home, my the mind-chatter told me to go straight home, not to take a left and make it a two-mile walk.

But my body went ahead and Took. The. Left!!  I couldn't even believe it!!  

Here I am, sweating on the back porch...but damn happy that I DID IT! 

Thank You, God.

Really Not Good

I haven't walked in, well, in I don't know how long.  There are a number of reasons, aka excuses why, like humidity, rain, heat.

None of them matter, except for the humidity part; I won't walk in THAT shit.

Is it because I don't care?  I don't freaking know.

But it worries me because I know me.

Still Not So Great

Something's still amiss.

I'm only walking during my work break, but at least I'm walking.  We're due for 85 to 90-plus degree weather later this week, so there's no way on God's green earth I'll be walking during that shit.

Today I turned the music OFF during my walk because I was losing the connection to the earth. I wasn't hearing the birds or the wind, I wasn't smelling the earth scents, but I am again.

When I walked outside of work this past Friday, these clouds took my breath, quite literally. They are stunning...#whyIwalk.

I'll keep going.

Not Good

Not having a stellar week, at least not for home-walking.  Still walking during my break at work, just not at home.

Also, I've been nibbling more on the Chips Ahoy cookies.

Something's amiss.

I'm Proud of Me

I am damn  proud of myself.  Walking almost every day has become so much easier.

It feels good.
It feels right.
I think about it when I'm not walking.
At the few times my mental chatter says no,
     it's like my body takes over and I walk anyway.

The only time I don't walk is when either my knee or my back are too painful.  And then, I'll maybe walk around the backyard, very slowly and steadily, but it feels good.

Sometimes I walk slowly just to walk, and that's okay.

Since I last wrote on April 20, I've walked a total of 12.77 miles!!  TWELVE POINT SEVEN SEVEN MILES!!

I've found a new route from home which is 1.86 miles and I like it.

I also love the wind blowing on me, the birds singing, the new Spring growth, the beautiful smells from the newly budding flowering trees.

Most of the time I don't hurt. 

Thank You God.

Purpose Over Fear

I'm going for a walk in a few minutes, even though my mental chatter has been saying "no".

So I asked myself why, why "no" when it feels good. Why?

And it came back...the fear.
The fear that someone might see me.
The fear that someone might make fun of me.
The fear that it's not going to make me slimmer.
The fear that it's a waste of time.
The fear that it doesn't matter.

But I'm going anyway.

I need self-respect.

Purpose over fear.

Sometimes It's Time To Stay Put

I've learned over the years that sometimes, when you make concrete plans, God has other plans. That's what happened this school vacation week.

My back was a bit iffy this past Friday, and by Saturday morning, the pain from my back and knee was terrible, 12 on a scale of 1 - 10.

I walked very slowly and quietly around the back yard over the weekend, and took Bobby for a walk in his stroller yesterday.  Not a power walk, but a slow one; I was unsteady, too.

Today it's cold and rainy which is my favorite weather, but not for walking, not this week.

I've done nothing that I'd planned, nothing.   Today is the first day that I even thought about going out into my cottage to craft at all.

It's going to be a bitch to get out of this mental ditch I'm in.  Because I'm back in it, deep.

Is This a Test?

A week or so after I started this walking journey, I began to "feel" my right knee.

Nothing outrageous, but it was new.

Ever since then, that knee has been hurting, sometimes so bad that I'm unable to walk until it "snaps" back into place.  It has to be related, without a doubt.  But when I'm walking, it's ok.

Two days ago, on Good Friday, it was all I could do to walk at all.  My daughter, son-in-law and grandson were here and I could barely walk around the back yard with the little one.  My knee was going downhill fast.

So I didn't walk with my poles.

Yesterday when I awoke, I was in more pain than I've been in for years.  Not only was the knee hurting, the pain in my back was a 12 on a scale of 10.

What.  The.  Effing.  Hell.

Is this a test to see if I'll quit?

It took me four Motrin, ice, and barely standing up for five/six hours before the pain level came down to about a 9.

So I limped out to my cottage, strapped on my poles, and "walked" around the backyard, ever so slowly.

I walked slowly through the blueberries, looked at the Dawn Redwood tree, talked to the two maples we transplanted last fall, watched Grandmother Willow, then came back to the house.

And did it two more times, because it felt that good.

I took off my shoes and felt the cool grass under my feet.

It helped.

Today is a new day.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Not Today

Not doin' it this afternoon, not at 86 degrees out there.  Nope.

The funny thing is that part of me is pissed about that and still wants to walk.

I did walk this morning on my break, though.  So there's that.  

Monday Walking

Did it.  And it felt almost "right".  Granted, my legs hurt some, but I think that's because I didn't walk all weekend.  Not even once.

But I did do yard-work for four hours yesterday, so I'm confident that was a positive exercise.

Here's today's walking...

⏫

...did the .81 miles on my break this morning.

⏫

Then, after a couple of false starts and some minor mental pushing, I started my afternoon walk, only to stop and chat with a friend around the corner partway through.  Since I didn't bother putting my reading glasses on before I pushed any buttons on my phone, I'd pushed "stop" and "save" on my app.

⏫

So THEN I finally got moving and finished my afternoon walk, 

for a grand total today of 2.05 miles!!

And then, I was sweaty.

And I don't like sweaty.  Not.  At.  All.

But I did it.  💙😊

Today - Not So Good

Didn't do so well today as far as pushing myself.  I'm feeling sad this week, feeling kind of lost.

But it finally occurred to me to track the walks I take during my break...don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.

Anyway...here are my Thursday and Friday walks.

It was POURING on Thursday and even though I do love walking in the rain, my pants and shoes were getting drenched, so I only did a partial walk. 

 It's ok though, I wasn't slacking, I know that.

Friday's walk took 12 minutes and was thisclose to being a full mile.  I'd go around the school again, but only have a 15-minute break.  Not going to work.  

But it still matters, yes indeed it does.

Still, nothing today.  Not even an ounce of desire or energy to walk.  

I think my soul needed to stay home today.

Amen.

Clementine Wins Over Chips Ahoy!

Finally got to walk again today; yesterday was a day filled with rain, and lots of it!

I have to say that I could feel the determination beginning to wane somewhat today, maybe because it's another gray day, maybe because I haven't walked consistently.  Either way, I got out there before I could totally lose my "oomph".

There is progress, though.  While I wasn't jumping up and down to walk today, the positive mind chatter was much louder and more persistent than the negative mind chatter, and THAT is success.

I'm feeling blue today because it's the 14th anniversary of losing Dad.  I still miss him.  Too many emotions to accurately put into words, so I won't try.

I started to go for my standard "drug of choice", Chips Ahoy cookies, but instead, I peeled and ate a clementine. Hence, "Clementine Wins Over Chips Ahoy".

Every single small success adds up.

I sit in my cottage for a little bit after my walks, mostly to just have some quiet time.  

I'm starting to feel a little bit proud of myself for not quitting, 

but I also know that that's a precarious thought. 

So again, I thank You, God, for keeping me going. 

A Breakthrough

I had a personal breakthrough today.  It's an unfamiliar feeling, but a positive one.

I went to Kohl's and tried on a shit-ton of outfits, all of them plus sizes.  My regular size plus size pant went up a size, which disgusts me.  But I needed them, so I bought them...three pair of capris and two tops. 

On the drive home, I got so angry and tearful, then successfully talked myself OUT of walking today with my typical negative mind chatter:

Why bother.

It will never make a difference.

I went up a size so it doesn't matter.

It's a waste of my time.

I can't do it.

But something odd happened - a feeling came over me as I was turning onto Piper Road from Piper Cross, a feeling of inner warmth.  And I said "of course I'm going to walk".  

And I did. 

I did it.

I. Did. It.

Thank You, God.

Sunday Morning Walking

I'm almost afraid to say it, but it's getting easier to walk without the negative mind chatter getting in the way...I almost can't believe it.

I had the luxury of being up alone this morning for quite awhile; I read, downloaded another book onto my Kindle app for MCAS later this week, had coffee, did my face and hair, and had breakfast.

I knew there was a lot I wanted/needed to do today, and walking was on my list.  I decided that before I could go out into my cottage to play, I'd have to do my "work", which is how I stay focused sometimes.

So...off I went.  Today I walked steadily, no speeding up, as my right knee is complaining and I want to keep it safe.  I've never had knee issues and don't want them now.

I took a little shorter route to be on the safe side.  

I loved listening to the sounds of spring while I was walking.  I also loved hearing my own footsteps...steady, moving forward. 

This is yours truly...

...trying to be invisible.  

Please note the bright pink jacket and neon green 

sunglasses...not so invisible.  

It's Been Two Days

I haven't been able to walk since this past Thursday, two days ago, for two reasons, both of them legitimate.

    1)  My right knee is acting really weird; I've never had this happen before.  It's had sudden, sharp pains, then felt like it wasn't going to work.  I tried walking on it once right after the pain started and it wouldn't hold me up.  After a few tries, it kind of snapped back and worked ok. But it's been slightly painful since...brand new to me.

    2)  It's been snowing/sleeting/raining since Thursday night and I won't risk a fall because of my three back surgeries, and because of this knee issue.

While I'm not actually "missing" the walking, there's NO negative mind chatter telling me not to start up again.  No negative mind chatter saying "it doesn't matter anyway, you don't need to start up again".

I think it's because of the poles.

I think the poles are keeping me honest, focused and positive.

Because I intend to walk tomorrow.

Til then...this was me on Thursday evening, getting ready to walk 1.4 miles with Colleen.

Did it!

It Felt Good Today

No negative mind chatter today, what a switch.  I was actually looking forward to pole walking around the block today.

My work walk was a quiet meander, no music other than the music of Spring.  The weather was perfect!  It was/is breezy, low 50s and sunny; it couldn't get any better.

Cate called me on her way home and asked about going with me, so it was even easier to get out there.  I was almost impatient to walk while waiting for her to get home.  :-)

She showed me how to use the walking app that Colleen put on my phone last night, and, according to it...

...I did a 19 minute-mile.  

I think I'll set a personal goal that in a week's time, I'll be doing a 15-minute mile. That's realistic, right?

Today in school, I saw this message on a student's "time capsule" box...

It's almost the exact opposite of my message to myself.  I knew I needed to document the irony of this message compared to my own.  

She needs to walk in order to overcome anger and fear, I need to overcome fear (and anger) in order to keep walking, 

And I think I am doing that.

If actually felt good today, a foreign and freeing feeling.

Thank You God.

Walking With Colleen

Not as much negative mind chatter today re the walking after work.  Maybe because I did it yesterday, maybe because the air is still cool and rainy.

I semi-power walked during my break, enough to get me breathing heavily.  No sweating, though; a bonus as I despise sweating.

I planned to walk around the block again today after work, maybe even with my eyes looking up for longer periods of time.

Colleen texted me during the day to see if I wanted to go for a walk with her...I only hesitated for a split second (automatic reaction, no matter what or who), then we figured out the logistics.

I didn't allow myself to get too comfortable once I got home-left my work clothes on, jewelry and all.  Made an early supper (beef stew), ate at the dining room table so as not to get comfy in my recliner.  

I would have used my poles except it's raining and I needed the umbrella.  Let's be real...I haven't graduated to walking in the rain without an umbrella yet.  #donttouchthehair

Look at us, walkin' in the rain!  Colleen wore Bob's Tilly Hat and she's still adorable.

We power-walked about a mile, a mile and a half; we chatted, chuckled, snap-chatted.  We got our heart rates and our breathing going good.  

Took about 30 minutes to walk that far, but that's damn ok.  

Colleen and Cate offhandedly mentioned a 5k around Ashley Reservoir. 

A 5k?  Huh. I wonder....

Purpose Over Fear

I did it.

I took my poles and walked around the block for the first time since I've owned them. And if anyone judged me, or laughed at me, or did a double-take at the large woman walking on the road with metal poles, I don't know about it.

Throughout the day at work my mental conversation was a list of reasons why I didn't have to walk today; it was a good list...

     I walked on break.
     It's rainy.
     It's sunny.
     Someone might see me.
     I'm in a bad mood.
     Someone might see me.
     I don't want to.
     I want to pretend I don't need to.
     I'll be tired after shopping.
     My body hurts and I need to sit.
     I. Hate. It.

I came home, slammed stuff, sat and looked at my phone, complained, got angry at my husband for turning the heat up to 78 and sitting in his chair, looked at my phone some more.

Cate was telling me about a time she was afraid of doing something "different" at yoga, but that she got ballsy and did it, "just like you're doing now".

She texted me this from upstairs, and something clicked.

First, a very negative energy that sometimes lives in our side yard tried extremely hard to stop me from walking.  I know this because about eight feet from the door of my cottage where I keep my poles, something pushed me down and I fell.  

This is where I fell, landing on both knees and looking like a total freaking fool. Glasses went flying, pants got wet, sneakers got dirty.  Fucking bastard for trying to stop me.

I got pissed, wanted to cry, wanted to yell at someone or hit something, but I just snapped at my husband, washed off my hand, dried off my knees, and went anyway.

I kept my eyes down so "no one would see me".  Cat logic.

I kept going.  

Repeated "purpose over fear" to myself, because that's what it is.  

My purpose has to stay stronger than my fear of:  

judgment, 

embarrassment, 

criticism, 

failure...or I'll never find my way back. 

Three dogs in their yard took it upon themselves to announce my presence to the entire neighborhood.

I kept going.  Purpose Over Fear.

Around another corner a Labradoodle on a leash saw my "sticks" and wanted them for himself. His owner had to hold him back as he lunged on his leash. No escaping that one.  I made a joke and kept going.

Purpose Over Fear.  

Home was in sight...

...my shoe came untied.

I kept going.  Purpose Over Fear.

It took me 14 minutes to walk around my block, and I did it.  I kept going.  

Thank You God.

Day 4 - Fifteen Minutes

Last night and all of today, I was coming up with reasons NOT to walk this afternoon.  

I'm good at that, very very good. 

It was cold again.

I was tired.

My feet hurt.

My back hurt.

We would be going to Walmart.

I was very tired.

It wouldn't matter.

I walked during my break.

I walked a tiny bit farther on my break.

I would look funny.

Someone would judge me.

We went to Walmart and I was sad while there, not sure why.  I was sad and annoyed.

On the drive home, I decided that I'd be walking when we got home so that maybe the sadness and annoyance would go away.

I put on my silly rubber boots, tucked in my dress pants, went to my cottage and got my poles, and spent 15 minutes walking throughout the yard.

Even less snow today.  I was able to walk in some areas for the first time.  The cold air felt clean and good.  I did some heart-center breathing to fill myself up with clean, cold air.

But all I could think about was stopping.

The mental mind chatter wanted me to hurry up and stop, 

so I decided that 15 minutes was the minimum today.

I had to fight the mental mind chatter almost every step of the way.

 I won.  Today I won.

I reasoned with that mental mind chatter by saying "Ok, I'll only walk until my body tells me to stop.  I'll pay close attention to my hip, my knees, my arms."  I think that's fair and I think that's smart.

We brought this tree home as a sapling only a few years ago and it has grown beautifully.

Yours truly, heading in.  

Thank You God.

Day 3...Ok But Not

Didn't walk today with the poles.  The wind chill is quite freezing, so much so that the wind hurts my face.

But I did power-walk during my break, rather than meander.  I got to the point that I shaved 4 minutes off of my  usual walking time, and had anyone been walking with me, I would have been hard-pressed to have a conversation with them because I was breathing heavily.

And that's ok.

It was a mental struggle all day, too, so I'm not 100% sure that it was the wind and cold that stopped me, but I think it is.  My negative mental chatter told me not to bother.

Most of the time, my negative mental chatter stops me in my tracks, literally and figuratively.

I still pray daily for moving forward on my walking journey.

Day Two...I Did It!

I did it!

I walked with my poles again instead of making excuses, or finding a way out, or complaining.

This morning I even found myself thinking "I can't wait to walk again", which was an unusual thought for me.  I didn't believe myself, but then the feeling lasted all day, and I felt safe with it.

And that's a good thing.

Today I really felt it in my arms and in my breathing which is one of the benefits of using the Nordic Walking Poles.  It's a cardio workout by simply swinging my arms; not hard at all.

I only walked about 15 minutes.

No. Wait. I ACTUALLY walked fifteen minutes.

The cool breeze felt wonderful, the sun was warm, the birds were singing.  Sounds cliche, but it truly was peaceful.

Less snow today.

My son's idea of a lawn "ornament".  

Look at me...I walked through the snow!

Beautiful blue sky upwards through the dwarf pear tree branches.

Maple sapling, with a special heart!

Heading back toward the house.

It all comes down to this...I did it.  I didn't quit, at least not today, and it felt good.

Thank You, God.